I'm still a little shocked at what just happened.
I guess I shouldn't be.
I should be used to these things happening in my life.
The smallest of my quietest prayers, answered.
Nothing new. But still amazing each time.
About a week ago I had a little flash of recollection regarding a quote I heard years ago and had written down in my lovely book of inspirations. I couldn't remember it word for word, just the gist of it. I couldn't even remember it's author.
I trekked out to the garage in my slippers and over sized sweater to dig out my old notebook that has sat untouched and neglected in a box. It was nowhere to be found. I was feeling a little frustrated. My fingers were itching to get hold of it.
Then it hit me. The Hubby cleaned out the garage several Sundays ago while I was at church and the weather was still bearable. Many of my boxes had been left to his discretion. Of course my old notebook full of what might be chicken scratch to him would not be worth anything more than the challenge it presented of accurately throwing it into the "dump pile".
I felt a huge wave of disappointment as I realized my precious scrawls were probably nothing more than mulch.
I tried my best to remember key lines or even words. I Googled away until I realized it was like searching for a needle in a haystack and I gave up. Truly I haven't given it a whole lot of thought since then. I just remember whispering little prayers all the way along that I could just find it somehow. After that it was a very distant thought.
That is how I work. If there is something bothering me, I force it to the very furthest corner of my mind so that it wont consume me. It's my way of dealing I suppose.
And then it happened. I got this silly urge to reminisce through old photos. I have oodles and oodles of these and so generally I flip through rapidly until I find one that really stands out. I look at it for a few seconds. Try to remember when it was taken and what I happened to be thinking at that moment. I'll admit, my memory of these days gone by are a little rusty and thus, some photos must be held for longer than seconds while I dig through the tangled cobwebs in my head.
I was cruising along. On a roll. Flipping through photos of scenery for the most part. The view from behind my old house, sunsets over San Carlos, various snapshots of my old stomping grounds. Nothing that I couldn't remember in a flash. And then I came across this picture.
Just my old bedroom. The bedroom that I loved because it was just as I wanted it. I put a good amount of myself into it.
I had taken the picture because I wanted to remember the beautiful flowers. Left on my porch by my "Secret Admirer" whom later I discovered was the man I would marry. Notice the over abundance of papers tucked into my mirror? Those were all little bits of inspiration I had collected over time. Things that helped me get through my days. I liked to think that they helped to better me. Keep me focused on goals that I had for myself.
I was admiring the pale blue walls and then my eye was drawn to a certain piece of paper. I recognized the squiggles at the top in pink, blue and yellow. That was my quote! The one I had searched for.
Taken before I knew much about pixels and that whole bit, the words were hard to make out. But it was a start. Back I went to that amazing phenomenon we call Google and I pecked out a few different names that I thought I could see through the blur.
Third time was a charm. I smiled from ear to ear as I read.
They cut desire into short lengths
And fed it to the hungry fires of courage.
Long after—when the flames had died—
Molten Gold gleamed in the ashes.
They gathered it into bruised palms
And handed it to their children
And their children's children. Forever.
Maybe it isn't as profound to you as to me. Maybe that is why I found it. Because I needed it.
I have been working on myself. Seems like a never ending process. Of course it is.
"They cut desire into short lengths." Line upon line, precept upon precept. One thing at a time.
"And fed it to the hungry fires of courage." Feeding courage by giving up our desires, our weaknesses.
I love the picture it paints in my mind. The gold shining through. After all the struggle, all the sacrifice. And passing that on, our better selves, onto our posterity.
That is what I want. That is what I have to work for.
I find it beautiful and inspiring. Just what I needed.