Thursday, August 27, 2009

blurry



i suck in when i walk.
i look at the ground.
i hug my purse around my mid-section.
i cross my arms.
i let my hair fall in my face.
i tug at my shirt.
i try not to be noticed.

my hair is dull.
my nose is all wrong.
my eyes are big.
my mouth is bigger.
my hips are wide.
my shoulders are broad.
my legs are thick.

i have been told i am pretty but i've never believed it. sometimes i wondered if my eyes were different than other people's. i wondered why i couldn't see it. perhaps my blue was their red. perhaps my vision was blurry.

a few months ago i made the realization that i have not once in my life been happy with my appearance. not my face, not my hair, not my body.

how arrogant of me.

without this body i would not have been able to experience the many blessings of my life.
without this body the world would be short two beautiful boys.
my body is my greatest blessing.

our bodies are God's greatest, most beautiful creations.
without them there would be no purpose for anything else.

i feel so proud and so vain.
mostly i feel deeply ungrateful.

but how do you begin to change a lifetime of thinking?

3 comments:

Mary said...

I'm still trying to figure that out. But you must believe it when people say you're beautiful, because you truly are, both inside and out.

Don't believe it just because I say so; believe it because I'm looking at this from the other end of the path. My parents never told me I was beautiful--quite the opposite, in fact--but many other people did. I never believed them. I still don't.

But look at the old photos I posted on my blog last night. That is a beautiful girl. Just like you. I wish I had believed it then, but I hope YOU will believe it now!

Nathan and Toni Southam said...

I'll tell ya how you start. The first step is not comparing yourself to other people. If you see some really adorable girl you can still say something like "she's cute" but none of that "I wish I looked like her"! You can even go as far as to say something like "what a cute girl, we have similar hair". Then you start thinking well if that girl has cute hair and my hair is like her's than I have cute hair too. It sounds trivial but it's the baby steps that work!
P.S. you are gorgeous!

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