{a bit of the experience}

I received a text message from my mom EARLY this morning that Callie had kicked her covers off! I couldn't help but laugh and smile from the news as it is so Callie to do that! If she wants something she gets it, if she doesn't want something she takes care of business!

It is somewhat of a surreal feeling looking at her little body on that huge hospital bed, all the tubes and cords in the world hooked up to her somehow. She looks so peaceful that I can convince myself she is taking a nap. Some how I know that my head has not entirely wrapped around the situation. I feel at times I have to reign in my thoughts to keep back the tears and the anxiety. Right now I simply cannot picture her any way but alive and whole. I have definitely flashed through the possible outcomes and seen myself standing next to her casket. And I feel like I could find peace in that place but I would miss her so terribly. But that doesn't feel like an option to me today. Not right now anyway. When my sister Amber called me with the news I was actually already driving to Show Low. I had a doctors appointment that morning and I was going to drop Gage off to play at my mom's. They got a new swing set last weekend and Brinley and Callie couldn't wait for Gage to come try it out with them! That's what I can see and that's what feels real.

When I got to the hospital Monday morning I didn't know what to expect to see. Matt was there before me because he had been working in Show Low but he didn't give me details because it was all I could do just to focus on the road and get my boys and myself safely there. I walked in the room and it was like a horrible flash of Deja Vu. The same room as Rhionna had been in nearly a year ago, the same devastated look on many of the same faces, and another tiny body, this time completely covered in blood and tubing. The room actually spun and my knees buckled. I was on the floor without knowing how I had gotten there. I felt a wave of complete helplessness come over me and then my mom and my brother were there, pulling me up. My mom was telling me to be strong, that it would all be okay. I instantly felt a twinge of guilt that I had lost it so badly in front of her and that she was having to comfort me. My mom just kept encouraging me and I had to make the decision then that I could accept any outcome but pray and pray and pray some more that we would be allowed to keep her with us. I have had such a peaceful feeling since then. It's impossible not to have some moments of sadness though at what our Callie Jayne has gone through.

I know I said it earlier but my parents have awed me through all this. My dad drives truck and was in Colorado when this all happened. I tried to imagine myself in both their shoes. Seeing your child that way and not having your spouse to hold on to. And then knowing the serious condition your child is in and not knowing if you will make it to see her before she passes. My dad tried to find a flight in Durango Colorado but the earliest one didn't leave for six hours. He said he knew he couldn't just sit and wait that long so he got back on his truck and drove to Albuquerque where he was able to catch a flight without much wait. He got to the hospital around 8 o'clock Monday night and we were all so relieved to see my mom and him together next to Callie's bed. It was so empowering.

It hardly feels that it could only be Wednesday. I am at home with my sweet boys right now and will be back down to see Callie this weekend or sooner. I will try to keep an update with news I get from my parents and the siblings that are down there still.

I know there are people reading this that I probably don't know but I want to thank you for your concern and let you know every bit of praying and positive wishes are helping Callie and our family. Even if we don't know each other, your thoughts and prayers are being felt right now. And thank you to our wonderful friends and family who have been so amazing in this time. We feel so lifted up by all the love and support we have received. Callie has had so many visitors and I know that helps my parents so much to be surrounded by loved ones. They have asked me to please let everyone know how deeply appreciative they are of everything! Thank you so much over and over again!

{Love.Ashley}