Monday, May 9, 2011


i took a picture of myself last friday because i was proud. i, ashley b, applied make-up, accessorized and fixed my hair all in the same day. just so we are clear, that is my hair "fixed". oh yeah, and i got dressed. laugh all you'd like but that has been a chore for me lately.

many moons ago this would not have been a cause for celebration. i used to take pride in my appearance and you might even say that was the main focus of my everyday. vain? i like to think it's just a part of being a teenager. lately however it's the last focus, sometimes even the non-focus of my days. because i have been busy keeping a secret.

the kind of secret where i spend the majority of my day in a lazy fog wondering when i'm going to be forced to get off my rear and book it to the nearest toilet. and not just to look at it but to get all personal with it, even hugging it at times. and then when it's all said and done, rather than cry to the blogging world about it i sit and stew over what happy things have been going on and what i can blog about without giving myself away.

we're talking baby in the making here! nobody wants sob stories. we want the sweet photos six months from now of soft, new, peachy flesh, fuzzy backs and wrinkly little fingers and toes. so i hereby take this time, and only this time, to let you know that these first thirteen weeks have been trying. death defying almost. you know it's bad when you cry to your husband that "i can't do this anymore" before the baby is any bigger than a walnut. the first and only time i cried these words during my first pregnancy was on the second to the last push. i blurted them out without even thinking it. and then about forty-five seconds later there was a beautiful, crying baby in my arms. i never even had the chance to utter them with my second pregnancy because i was emerged in an epidural induced euphoria. so clearly it is safe to say that i have gone soft. weak even.

then a miracle happened. last wednesday i was asked to speak in church on the topic of-what else-motherhood. so i poured over talks, personal stories and so on. through the inspiration of it all i realized that i can do this thing. i am not alone in motherhood. my job is not trivial and it is not impossible. it is oh so important. mothers have a lot on their shoulders, shaping and moulding and leading these tiny souls who will one day be the leaders of this country and this world. thank goodness for a Heavenly Father who blesses and guides us women in these responsibilities. i know i have felt his love and comfort immensely these past few months, especially on my very worst of days. and that is the thing that got me through with the slightest amount of dignity.

obviously at some point we have no choice but to keep moving. and while that is an accomplishment as well, my goal is to do it with a little more poise. sure i will still give myself pajama days. just not every day.

i am thankful to be a mother. i adore my boys. they have each changed my heart in different ways. all of which are for the better. i am so grateful for the blessing i have had to be able to stay home with them. although there are times that i absolutely crave some alone time, i would never wish away these days that i have with them. motherhood is divine.

i hope all of you mothers, hopeful mothers, soon-to-be mothers, stand-in mothers, and all others had a wonderful mother's day!

xoxo. ash

p.s. one of the sources from my talk. all mothers should watch this.


Chad said...

I'm so happy for you! This was a great post. I'm sure your talk was wonderful!! And thanks for your words of encouragement. I appreciate it greatly. The first day of school I may need to get all the kindergarten mommies I know together for a little pow wow so I don't just go home and sob until it's time to pick him up again.

Lacey said...

Just now realized my husband was signed into google. that was me that left the above comment. Not some creepy guy who wants to get together with you on the first day of school. Sorry!

ashley b said...

haha lacey! no worries, i figured it out. :)

Mandi said...

Hurray! I am so very happy that your little "secret" is out! And what a lovely secret it is! Maybe you are preparing to birth a little beautiful girl child who will look just like her beautiful mommy. I am so happy that are looming closer to the end of the ugliest of pregnancy and hopefully can move on to greener pastures. I love love love the way you word things! I laughed out loud about how you got personal with the toilet. Hilarious! You are so cute! Congrats on your get ready day by the way. You look lovely! Have a happy day and happy Mother's Day yesterday! I love you!

Blain&Deedra said...

I'm so sorry it's been hard on you. Good luck with the rest of it though. And who cares if you get dressed. I always say that the best part of my job is that the kids don't care if you are dressed, in jammies, or hey even if you've showered. Take care of yourself and grow a beautiful baby.

Kathi said...

Congrats!!! I'm sure no matter what you are having, is going to be amazing like their parents! Hope the rest of the pregancy goes a little easier. It's not the easiest path to go down, but it has the best pay off in the end!!! Good luck!!!