i took a picture of myself last friday because i was proud. i, ashley b, applied make-up, accessorized and fixed my hair all in the same day. just so we are clear, that is my hair "fixed". oh yeah, and i got dressed. laugh all you'd like but that has been a chore for me lately.
many moons ago this would not have been a cause for celebration. i used to take pride in my appearance and you might even say that was the main focus of my everyday. vain? i like to think it's just a part of being a teenager. lately however it's the last focus, sometimes even the non-focus of my days. because i have been busy keeping a secret.
the kind of secret where i spend the majority of my day in a lazy fog wondering when i'm going to be forced to get off my rear and book it to the nearest toilet. and not just to look at it but to get all personal with it, even hugging it at times. and then when it's all said and done, rather than cry to the blogging world about it i sit and stew over what happy things have been going on and what i can blog about without giving myself away.
we're talking baby in the making here! nobody wants sob stories. we want the sweet photos six months from now of soft, new, peachy flesh, fuzzy backs and wrinkly little fingers and toes. so i hereby take this time, and only this time, to let you know that these first thirteen weeks have been trying. death defying almost. you know it's bad when you cry to your husband that "i can't do this anymore" before the baby is any bigger than a walnut. the first and only time i cried these words during my first pregnancy was on the second to the last push. i blurted them out without even thinking it. and then about forty-five seconds later there was a beautiful, crying baby in my arms. i never even had the chance to utter them with my second pregnancy because i was emerged in an epidural induced euphoria. so clearly it is safe to say that i have gone soft. weak even.
then a miracle happened. last wednesday i was asked to speak in church on the topic of-what else-motherhood. so i poured over talks, personal stories and so on. through the inspiration of it all i realized that i can do this thing. i am not alone in motherhood. my job is not trivial and it is not impossible. it is oh so important. mothers have a lot on their shoulders, shaping and moulding and leading these tiny souls who will one day be the leaders of this country and this world. thank goodness for a Heavenly Father who blesses and guides us women in these responsibilities. i know i have felt his love and comfort immensely these past few months, especially on my very worst of days. and that is the thing that got me through with the slightest amount of dignity.
obviously at some point we have no choice but to keep moving. and while that is an accomplishment as well, my goal is to do it with a little more poise. sure i will still give myself pajama days. just not every day.
i am thankful to be a mother. i adore my boys. they have each changed my heart in different ways. all of which are for the better. i am so grateful for the blessing i have had to be able to stay home with them. although there are times that i absolutely crave some alone time, i would never wish away these days that i have with them. motherhood is divine.
i hope all of you mothers, hopeful mothers, soon-to-be mothers, stand-in mothers, and all others had a wonderful mother's day!
p.s. one of the sources from my talk. all mothers should watch this.