more thoughts as the day gets closer

on average i am probably asked about sixteen times a day when our baby girl is going to be here. at least ninety percent of the time it is being asked by two smallish boys. it seems almost a joke that instead of responding with weeks, we are now down to days. days.

back in the summer when the boys started to see my tummy growing and really understanding that a baby was really truly growing in there, they, the five-year-old especially, became persistent on knowing when exactly she would be here. so i gave him mile markers that would make sense to him. first you'll start school, then you'll start soccer, then it will be halloween, then you'll have your last soccer game, then she will be here. school, check. soccer, check. halloween, half check. last soccer game, pending. it all came so fast!

we've started family nesting it seems. gage is becoming very particular about keeping his bedroom clean. he's become very picky about his bed and how it is to be made. garrett is becoming even more cautious of the whereabouts and well-being of all of his babies. they get hugged, kissed, fed and put to bed several times a day. the husband who usually rolls his eyes at all of my projects, has found himself helping me from time to time. today we hung the curtains in her room together. he helped but made sure to tease me that we now, literally, have sheets hanging in our windows. he asked me if i really missed our trailer living that much. i love the sheets in our window! they were matt's great-grandma's and i love that they went so well in her room and they have some sentimental value. that's just the kind of girl i am i guess.

this evening after dinner was finished and being cleaned up i realized that our home was oddly quiet. freakishly quiet even. so i tiptoed down the hall and found my two boys huddled together in the baby's room, reading dinosaur books. i asked them why they were in there reading instead of in their room and gage chirped out, "because we love it in here!" they are so excited for their baby sister to get here.

i, like them, steal away to that room frequently these days and just rock away my anxieties next to the window. i try to fathom what having three children will actually feel like. i try to train my tongue to say "the children" rather than "the boys". it is scary and exciting all at once. it's funny to know that your heart is about to grow even more than you thought it ever could. i already love her but i know that when i see her and hold her i will love her just as much as i love the child i gave birth to five years ago. she will be just as important and precious as the two little boys who first took room in my heart years before her. i will love her the same but differently. just as i love my children now. i love being a mom. it's not just a thing that i say to try to convince people that i'm not crazy or miserable. i really truly love it. i think that it's amazing and i wouldn't trade my place in life for anything in the world. my joys and my dreams and my hopes for the future all revolve around these little people who i love so much. i am richly blessed.