Wednesday, January 13, 2010

tug and pull

we've been quite messily sliding back into a routine around here. we got all too comfortable with the lazy mornings of winter break. gage has been waking up with just enough time (almost down to the second) to get a good stretch, fill his tummy, dress himself, brush his teeth and tidy that wild, overgrown forest of hair he has planted on his head before running next door to hitch a ride to school.

yesterday he missed his ride completely and was a full hour late to his three hour class. i blame it on sudden growth. he is restless at night. his legs hurt him. in the mornings he groans while telling me he's tired and his legs hurt. so i let him be.

i stood in my bathroom looking at his little body sprawled out on my big person bed and got to thinking. is it really essential that he grow anymore anyways? i mean, buying him pants is already impossible. they stay on his bum but they're three inches too short. they're the perfect length but he's tugging up on them every two minutes. his bum, or the lack thereof, was not an inheritance from his mother. that i am sure of. and as much as i'd like to claim those lengthy legs, i'm afraid they aren't from me either. i lay claim on that crazy cowlick in the back of his head that makes his hair stand straight up and the goofy face he makes when he's perplexed. other than that, he's his dad's spitten image.

but back to my question: does he really have to grow? sunday evening after the boys were asleep i wandered into garrett's room and rocked myself back and forth while doing a mental checklist of what needed done. the crib needed disassembled, the changing table needed to be rolled out, the dressers needed switched and the rocker would need to go as well. all at once, the cheerful anticipation of change turned to full on anxiety.

i remember walking up and down the isles of baby furniture like it was yesterday. we made several visits before finally deciding. i envisioned my little bundle cuddled up in the crib and his tiny clothes folded neatly in the chest of drawers. i couldn't wait for june to show up and give me my precious child. i think i must have carried him for a full two years or so. it seemed like an eternity.

june finally came and it was love at first sight. i found that my dream of being a mother was worth everything. there is nothing like it in this world. it is a wonderful journey.

time cranked itself into light speed after he was born. he is five months shy of four and i am torn. should he grow? should he stay little? lucky for gage i have no say over the matter. he tells me on a daily basis that he wants to be big like dad or big like a dinosaur. some days he tells me in a disheartened voice, "mom, i'm not big like you." like it's a completely tragic ordeal to be trapped in the body of a three-year-old when your dreams are so very big. i'm reminded of his first steps. a part of me was sad to watch this showcase of his newly found independence. but i couldn't help smiling the biggest proud mommy smile you ever saw. and truly i was happy for him because he was happy for him. i guess it's just always going to be that way.

as i sat there rocking on sunday evening i thought of all the nights i spent rocking my sweet boys to sleep. in the afternoons, in the evenings, in the wee hours of morning. i found myself wishing that every occasion had been treated as the most wonderful moments of my life. because those days with them are gone. they are on to bigger and better things. they have train tracks to build, messes to make and treacherous things to climb.

this is the part of motherhood i didn't anticipate. the tug and pull at your heart. how one thing can make you feel so many ways all at once. and the way that you think there can't be a more lovely baby in the world until your second child is born. and you find that you love them both the same, but differently. and with every inch and day they grow, you find yourself growing as well.

and i guess growth isn't really such a bad thing anyways.


Kendyl said...

you always put the words so perfectly. i feel just like that.. you always make me cry when you do this!!!!!!! I hate that they grow.

Aunt Tiff said...

perfectly usual!

{nicole coombs} said...

I was thinking the same things just this week watching Cory! Of course I didnt put it quite as eloquently!
Love ya!

LORI said...


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