on mothers and becoming a mother::part two

part 2 of 4

{read part 1}

time passed slowly and my doctor's appointment finally came.  i peed in a cup, the whole nine yards and doctor m came in confirming what i already knew.  he calculated my due date and estimated that i was about seven weeks along.  doctor m had been my family doctor since i was in the first grade and on top of that was a family friend.  he talked to me about my new marriage and about the changes that a baby would bring.  he asked me how i had been feeling and i mentioned nonchalantly that i had cramps from time to time but was a picture of health aside from that.  i feel very grateful for what happened next.  the cramps had been so minor that i had never really thought about them.  but it raised a flag for him.  he told me he would like me to go over to the hospital and he would order an ultrasound.

all by my lonesome nineteen year old self i made my way to the hospital.  the ultrasound tech started off very talkative and ended in silence.  "i'm going to make a call to your doctor to see if he'd like to go over the results with you."  those were the only words he spoke over the last five minutes of the ultrasound.  my heart sank and i knew that something was wrong.  i lay there in the dark room by myself as he made the call.  i prayed to God that everything was okay, that i was just worrying over something that was probably normal procedure.  the tech came back in with a smile and a goodbye, sending me back to the doctor’s office.

the first words out of the doctor's mouth were "there is something growing in there, but it's not a baby."  not to make light of a what was a sad situation, but i honestly thought to myself, what is it? a cow? an alien?   clearly ridiculous, but i was so taken back by his statement that my mind didn't really know what to think.  he explained to me that this was a molar pregnancy.  rather than a baby, my body had essentially created a tumor with no working organs, no human structure.  i know i wanted to cry but at this time in my life especially, i was not a public crier.  he gave me all the information i needed to meet with an ob/gyn, gave me an encouraging smile and sent me on my way.  i drove across the street to the new doctor, he discussed everything in more detail and gave me paperwork for scheduling the procedure to have the mass removed.  my doctor's appointment had turned into a three and a half hour ordeal that ended in me signing consent forms at the hospital.  i had held myself together, but after leaving the hospital, i broke.   the tears began as soon as my car door closed.  i felt silly for having fallen in love with a baby that was not there.  the more i cried, the sillier i felt and then the more i cried over being so silly.  i didn't lose a baby.  i lost the feeling of having a baby, that was it.

{read part 3}