Monday, May 7, 2012

on mothers and becoming a mother::part three

part 3 of 4

{read part 1}
{read part 2}

i contemplated driving home but felt so entirely drained that i knew i couldn't make the forty-five minute drive to emptiness.  i pulled into my parent's drive and called matt.  i gathered myself together enough to make the call and not show how hurt i was.  i think in my mind i expected some grief, some condolences on my behalf, or something similar to what i was feeling to come from the other end of the phone.  but they didn't.  it was more of an "oh i see" response followed by the usual i love you and we said goodbye.  that is when i really thought to myself what a silly little girl i was.  crying and bawling my eyes out over something that never was.  if matt could see it how it was, then surely i could as well.  i wiped my face clean, walked into the house i grew up in and then at the sight of my family instantly broke into tears again.

being that i hadn't shared this information with anyone, i had to start from the beginning and end with what i had just learned.  they hugged me and hugged me some more and then i asked my dad for a priesthood blessing. i felt calmed and peaceful and decided it was time to go.  i gathered up my final hugs and kisses from my family and drove home.  home at that time was very small trailer that we were living in prior to building our house.  i had dried my eyes and started looking for peace in the matter but i knew i didn't want to go there and be alone.  instead i went next door to my in-laws.  nobody was home but i let myself in and laid down on the couch. i fell asleep instantly and only woke up when i heard voices in the kitchen.  my mother and father-in-law were home.  i told them about the day's events without any emotional outbursts.  they asked some questions about it and gave their love and apologies and then i went about life as normal.

the date of my procedure fell the day before mother's day.  it felt a lot like salt on the wound that day.  i didn't cry about it, i didn't feel sorry for myself per say, it was just a saddening feeling in my stomach.  i kept all of my thoughts and feelings internalized and went about the day.  i don't think anyone suspected how devastated the whole event had left me feeling.  or at least i didn't.  not until that evening when i got a phone call from my mom.

{read part 4}

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