Sunday, May 13, 2012

on mothers and becoming a mother::part four

{me and the blondie boy with mom, elsie & amber.  circa 2009}

part 4 of 4

there is no way to sugar coat it, my relationship with my mom at that time was bumpy.  i loved her and i knew she loved me but in the cross-hairs of graduating high school and marrying off so quickly, we had fallen into a good handful of unpleasant disagreements.  for that reason this phone call had a pretty profound effect on me.

she had called to wish me a happy mother's day.  she told me how she knew it must be hurting me and how even though this particular dream of being a mother was gone, it was only temporary.  that it wasn't the end of that dream as a whole and that she knew when it was time i would be a special and wonderful mother.  she spoke the words of comfort that i had been praying to hear.  she shared the understanding that i had prayed for someone else to feel.  i realized then and even more so over the years since, the importance of mothers, and more specifically my own mother.  at that time my mom was probably the last person i would have expected to come to my emotional rescue.  but that was because i still failed to understand the connection of mother and child.  when i felt that nobody else would understand my pain, the pain that i was determined to hold inside, my mom did.  it gave me the ability to let that pain go and it gave me the light of hope.  she was the answer to Heavenly Father's promise to me that i would not be left comfortless.

seven years have passed since that experience in my life but i still remember it so clearly.  where there once was heartbreak, there is now gratitude and understanding.  where there once was a girl afraid of returning to an empty home, there is a woman whose home will never feel empty again.  where there once was a young woman who underestimated the love of her mother, there is a mother who prays that her own children will know better.

my dream of motherhood was brought to life through the births of my three beautiful children.  i have learned firsthand, the miracle of a heart that grows to fit unimaginable amounts of love.  i have learned how the pain and sadness and joy and pride of my children, becomes my own as well. i have learned how God treasures his children and how He continually blesses mothers in the caring and nurturing of His little ones.  i have learned that my dream of being a mother was a good dream.  one worth dreaming and one worth living.

i am grateful for and dearly love my mother.  i am thankful to be a mother myself.  i am so inspired by the many women who fill the shoes of mothers everywhere, every day and in all different forms.  we don't all come to be mothers in the same way.  i know that for some, this time of year can come with intensified pain of loss and longing. but thank heavens for these women who despite the challenges and heartache and pain, make room in their hearts to love these wonderful children with an unconditional, perfect love.

"There is an instinct in a woman to love most, her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own."  
~Robert Brault

happy mothers day!



JDButler Family said...

beautiful Ashley ... thank you <3
you are a most wonderful mother and put me to shame at my very best!
I hope you have had a wonderful Mother's day as you deserve to.
I hope that you understand where I was coming from at that time and also forgive my inadequacy in dealing with the difficulty of children following their hearts more than the path dad and i tried to lay out for our children... and accepting the free agency of each individual. I thank you also for the opportunity to learn from it all!!! I love you more than I know how to express & always will <3 mom

Cody and Danica said...

You are an amazing person inside and out. Just absolutely amazing. Your kids are so lucky! Keep writing for girl. Your posts make me so happy.